so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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