He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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