Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
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