I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
