No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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