after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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