I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize