Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
