fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
