Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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