I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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