I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
