I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
