I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
