I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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