I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
