First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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