I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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