My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
