The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
