we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
