it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
