I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
