help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
