you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize