I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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