Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
