Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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