I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
