I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
