i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
