Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize