my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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