why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
