I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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