he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
