I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
