Need sex. Gaining weight.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
