Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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