My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
