I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize