Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
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