just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
