Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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