I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize