I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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