Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
