At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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