dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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