piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
