You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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