I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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