I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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