He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
