i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
