And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
