Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize