I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
