yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
