im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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