Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize