she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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