Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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